i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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