I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
