Heybabeimwearingurpanties
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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