Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
