Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I have aggressive nipples.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
