I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
