i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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