Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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