i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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