I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
