so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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