After last night, I could never be a politician.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
