Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Sext me about skeletons
I'm like, not good at living.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize