when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
im holly from the hills drunk
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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