census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
