when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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