drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
