Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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