I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
