Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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