I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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