so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
