i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
