Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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