So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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