My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
