If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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