The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
