we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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