im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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