A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize