Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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