guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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