She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
