Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
