I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
