I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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