I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize
