grandma shit on top of the toilet
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
barbara walters just said penis...
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
