I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have grass duct taped all over my body
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
