yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
