Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
