I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My balls are so social today.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
