It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
