What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
