About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
