Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We're too hungover to prance.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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