Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
