She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
