is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
