I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
