He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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