I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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