I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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