My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
