hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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